1. |
Grey Watercolor Skies
05:27
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I was born in Bristol Indiana, 1989
I don't remember that town at all but that's where I got this name of mine
I grew up on books, mistakes, knee scrapes and tree climbing
In a sunken island, in Utah, I was shy but never realized it
Would turn into a dragon, keeping me inside my walls at all times
I used to hide when we had company, but didn't recognize the fault lines
Then again what's fine for a child isn't always for a grown man
I kept each monster on a short leash, as many as I could hold in
I used to have blond curls, when I was younger, only knee high
Mom says all along I've had the same big brown eyes
A tempest inside each pupil swallowed by a hungry night sky
A solar eclipse that only hints of amber light on the outside
Strangely solemn and serious, even since I was a young age
My parents read me books, I was sure I'd be a great writer one day
The only thing that came quicker was my impulse to run away
From anything that might expose me, like film to a sunray
As I grew, so did my personal mythology, I always knew
I had something important to do, if I could only follow through
Me and my friends would play games of make believe
So I built fantasies when problems came to make them leave
My first day, of school was second grade, quite exciting
I still remember being called on, the fear striking like lightning
I was bright then, but worked slow as cold molasses
Had trouble seeing the sense in school, even after I was fit with glasses
Years past as they do, I grew and I grew
Dropping in and out of school taking odd jobs, with people I knew
Teen years, rebellion, mohawk, destruction of property
Disgusted with country that ate war and shit poverty
Insomnia, procrastination, anxiety, depression
I built a little lost city out of all of my broken lessons
Fear and doubt became the cell that I slept in
I was introduced to poetry and started writing confessions
The burnt rubber smell of Armageddon, or of empire ending
The taste of loneliness, the weight of a sentence
Feeling dragged through the crush and the exhaust
Hoping for some great escape, I guess I found hip-hop
Never mind I didn't know the first this about rhythm or song writing
It painted the walls of the cell where I had spent so long hiding
Plus I was destined to write, burn bright, and inspire
Problem was not being a person that I could admire
Each setback damn near broke my young heart open
Forgetting that true love and wisdom aren't spoken
I had to learn the art of stained glass romance and start over
And out come the wolves of doubt, smelling that hearts odor
I'd think – I'm wasting my time, I'm not good enough for it
Or I'd think – no one will understand me, they'll ignore it
Which ran in contradiction to my fire and conviction
Moods swung like a pendulum, more was thought then was written
As more years were swallowed by times greedy maw
Me searching for purpose, for peace, for cause
Always waiting impatient for meaning to bloom
I moved out to Portland to a shoe box sized room
Hoping to find truth in the rubble of the struggle I lived
If truth be told, I think I was in trouble and running again
The perfect getaway right? nothing to float me there but my art
Fulfilling a dream, sink or swim in a tank full of live sharks
A change of scenery found me catatonic, frozen with fear
Never heard that in cities things are never as close as they appear
Shoulder to shoulder with strangers some of my loneliest years
Long walks under grey watercolor skies that shed tears
No blame in it, no glory, two years, two apartments, no job
Borrowing money from family, just to hold the cold off
Went hungry, lived drama, ended up homeless
Crashing in an RV as broke as me and the girl who owned it
Life charged me with change, trial by fire, judged flammable
Learned a little about being a man and a lot about being an animal
I lost lovers, lost time, wrote a few songs, a few poems
Traveled, unraveled, tied knots, grew, decomposed
But somewhere in the laughter, or the pause between breaths
I was starting ever so slowly to believe in myself
Simple unsung victories, held in the still quiet of my nature
I had strength enough if I'd but stop running and stay here
My own fire started burning brighter, as I made fuel of my ghosts
Melting the ice fear had place like rope 'round my throat
Decrystallization of everything that had held me in stasis
Done waiting, I'm going to make it like no but me can make it
No kings, my own hero, fuck a cynical spin
A celebration of living daily, feeling good in my skin
Telling the story of the moment that a shy little kid
Met his challenges wide eyed, and didn't pretend
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2. |
TV IP IV
03:00
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There's a pulse inside my veins from the heart beating in my chest
Faulty wiring inside my head that needs to be reset
At night I dream, my dreams are strange, bright, fantastic and complex
When I wake my dreams are ashes I exhale with every breath
This may seem downright depressing but the lesson isn't this
No lesson is expressed except that there's no lie made to impress
So I'm laid or get a check, get on stage or get some press
It's interesting how all our wants and fears connect within a mesh
Obsessive and possessed with all the things that I've been hunting
All the dreams I never lived I guess I didn't learn from Lucy
Live a life of no regrets by the time I think that I've progressed
I seem to hit a fence evolution is a mess when we easily regress
That's how I realized life's not a path that we must trek
But a dance that we're all dancing where we improvise the steps
There's a bigger me in the field outside okay?
One I can't see when I don't feel okay
Life's coming at me with the force of a tidal wave
Right now, bite down, doesn't matter the time of day
There's a pattern in my head that tries to make me feel downtrodden
Plus no news is good news and the news anchors just won't stop talking
I try to know what's going on and so I just keep watching
The signal has been failing the noise shows no sign of stopping
Sense is lost inside the chattering, people running out of batteries
Wondering how bad it is, blaming political candidates
The system is corrupt as fuck, but it's us who comprise society
Watch as Humpty teeters on live TV
House of cards in a gale force wind watch 'em scatter
Card tower empire watch as Humpty Dumpty shatters
Termites just might just bite this timber to tatters
Lights blind these eyes these highs aren't quite as advertised
Adverse side effects, as long as I got texts
My tech IV drip, I'll be set wires my tourniquet
Now turn me inside out, shut me inside the internet
The pixels lit, now picture this
House of cards in a gale force wind watch 'em scatter
Card tower empire watch as Humpty Dumpty shatters
Termites just might just bite this timber to tatters
Lights blind these eyes these highs aren't quite as advertised
There's a bigger me in the field outside okay?
One I can't see when I don't feel okay
Coming at me with the force of a tidal wave
Right now, bite down, doesn't matter the time of day
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3. |
Up and Up
04:02
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Lights out, thoughts projecting the
Sights now, drawn on retina
Song of setting sun, dyes clouds
Impossible colors in bright shrouds
Film developed in dark rooms
Eyes shut mind becomes light source
Stillness envelop as art blooms
Balloons fill, endless expansive
Wind blown weightless dancers
Shapes of aimless grandeur
Play polka dot on the sky's dress
Prove that highlighters fly best
Smiles are bridges that swing low
Provider so villagers reach home
Height reveals what we know
The rise is relative to deep lows
We go up...
Gazing inward encounter lush scenery
In days of winter, found greenery
Gardens of old wounds in full bloom
Heart is a seed hard as can be
Broken open so growth can begin
Tribulations given patience
Till fertile soil, so peace takes root
Bears fruit of these paid dues
Inner seasons in endless cycle
Inner demons, put men on trial
Crystal clear and razor sharp
Then disappear and fade to dark
Leaks levee spring, yes, seek steady streams
Everything is everything
No constraints holding you
We contain multitudes
Of up
A peak of ash warmed by the sun
Feet that climb and light that runs
Dream has ended stay awake
Night will build what day will break
Fractals of an opening
Staying shut, such hopeless thing
Face the music, feed the Muse
Fate is easily amused
The moon is silver full and good
The tune is wind through rock and wood
Patterns appear that run through space
Restless is the one who waits
Breathless as the plunge we take
Are those who swim beneath the waves
But we who move by hoof and foot
Dream of wings to take us up
If we could only rise above this
Leaden heart and gut that plummets
But gravity is merciless
Fight it you'll be the first to quit
So we learned to plant build and grow
We learned to harvest, till and hoe
And sing to make our spirits rise
Through lowest lows and highest highs
And prove that we have an enterprise
As endless as our inner skies
Not fenced in by circumstance
We overcome through art and dance
Gateways found in solitude
The strength to be and follow through
The wisdom needed to hold our own
And when the time comes let it go
Up
Skin prickles eyes dilate
Space becomes an ear and you're the hearing
The world is eye and you the seer
The you. you thought was you, disappears
Releasing like one great sigh
Punctuated by a greater silence
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4. |
Islands and Mountaintops
04:37
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We build our lives out of concepts, beliefs and emotion
Steered by data, inner guidance, vices, slogans
We dive in, make messes, make mistakes, get broken
Heal, hope for the best , learn lessons, start over
Impatient want things as quick as fingers snap
Then look back thinking it all leaves so fast
Creatures of contradiction, sometimes it seems we get sick
To conquer our addictions and see the bigger picture
Life opens eyes and irises, that's why the skies as high it
Possibly can be, creation's expanding
Make space or get crushed by the weight of the damn thing
Make way for the rush as the dams come crashing down
See we give a little take a little back
Whittle down the things that hold us
Sure, it's all connected, sure those roads get treacherous
But that is just a step, the best of it feels effortless
I'm building my house in my promise land
I'm making my story anywhere I am
Hey, what's up family, how are we feeling currently
Sometime what I see worries me
Seems we hurry to these burning screens
Trying to feed our every earthly need
Or we puff, puff, pass out, eat to fill our emptiness
Drink until we black out, gossip when we're discontent
Overstimulated hoping that our interest is held
And all because we don't want to sit with ourselves
I know because I'm right there in it
I speak it because I bear witness
Joy missing in this pursuit of happiness
You don't need a mirror to see that's a backwards script
We could blame a broken system
Or build using love and new visions
We can complain or do different
Hate or pursue our interests
I'm building my house in my promise land
Have faith in your family, yes, we are the plan
Everyone has challenges not to be judged or minimized
We see the world differently, viewing it through different eyes
And each one deserves respect and understanding
But if we don't understand ourselves how can we understand our family
Funny, but it's not just us monkeys
Our building and money, vying for the sunbeams
Thinking so would be a fool of a gambit
See life runs rampant on this jewel of a planet
We're not separate from the world that surrounds us
Barriers are make believe, islands are just mountain tops
And no matter how full our thoughts
Space exists in all of us
Nature's in our nature, our laughter rumbles in earthquakes
Every creature on this planet shares genetics and a birth place
We can build it together instead of watching it fall to pieces
See dreams lived out because we worked and believed them
In my promise land
Have faith in your family, yes, we are the plan
I'm building my house, in my promise land
Have faith in your family, yes, we are the plan
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5. |
All I Got
04:16
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On a day like today, not sure that I have a lot to say
From the moment I woke up, an alarm going off in my brain
My relationship to art is strange, twisted and strained
It means so much to me, that it makes me afraid
What if I'm never good enough, what if it leaves me
What if I'm trying too hard and this is supposed to be easy
What if I'm not trying hard enough wasting my best years completely
It's hard to be motivated, I keep feeling defeated
I called my mom on the phone
told her that these waves had me sea sick
My mom is a badass, she told me “fuck art, you don't need it”
My emotional ups and downs are akin to a seesaw
My hearts in my throat and my belly's s in free fall
I drank three cups of coffee spent the day typing manic
My rhymes pissed, confused, and smelling of panic
I want to be authentic, but that can't just mean reactive
I've been doing this for so long, and still feel so new at it
And I'm not sure if it's enough, but it's all I've got
all that I've got, all I've got, all I've got
My pen and my rhymes, my heart and my time's
All I've got, all I've got, all I've got
I'm unsure where emcees are supposed to be confident
I'm supposed to be boasting, but have trouble taking compliments
Used to think I could make money at this,
maybe I lack even common sense
I don't know why I do it, all I seen is the consequence
Well - never wanted a job, because I knew I'd rather do this shit
When I'm not doing it I think about, when I leave it I miss it
But now I'm getting older afraid of always being paid minimum wage
What if my family gets sick, or I want my own home someday
What if I'm too poor to travel, too tired to write?
I'll be as strong as I need to, but that might kill me inside
Something you love isn't supposed to weigh you down
Stephen King said “life isn't a support system for art,
it's the other way around”
My life's a fucking mess, my art's barely getting off the ground
I'm usually sitting on my hands while my head spins around
I don't focus well, anxiety's the only other member of my band
Be calm my squeaking heart, be still my shaking hands
And I don't know if it's enough, but it's all I've got
all that I've got, all I've got, all I've got
My pen and my mind, my love and these rhymes
All I've got, all I've got, all I've got
Then it's back on the same bus back to work to get paid
Either frustrated or isolated on any given day
Writing verse after verse, before ripping up the page
I can't seem to pick it up, but I can't put it away
Every stage is temporary, as the cycle rolls
But history seems nothing if not recyclable
Bad habits, form bad habitats, or is it the other way around?
Either way I'm dismayed and will likely just stay here and lay around
Thinking maybe it's a puzzle it'll click in once I've got the order
Basting in unspecified feelings of cosmic horror
Basing my next move off of what I've done before
Feeling dunce without a corner, Hagrid without Dumbledore
Stumble core rap music, now everyone put your heads in the sand
Then mumble it back to me while we stare confused at our own hands
I'm not trying to play this up, I feel done with it, don't you?
Now let's huddle together for warmth, while we come unglued
And I don't know if it's enough, but it's all I've got
All that I've got, all I've got, all I've got
My family, my mind, my love and my spine
All I've got, all I've got, all I've got
And I don't know if it's enough, but it's all I've got
All that I've got, all I've got, all I've got
My family, my mind, my love and my spine
All I've got, all I've got, all I've got
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6. |
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Never betray brethren, yes that goes for sisters too
Better not to beat that drum of violence even when lifted by its vicious boom
Don't get it confused, not a sermon but a mission statement
If this were famous people would be dissecting it for payment
Objective obtuse not just entertainment
Step into my office sit, I'm about to make this obvious
You're brilliant
You ignoramus, it just takes some diligence some patience
No one who makes millions just waits up
But this really isn't about a pay stub
My name is Adam Cedar better rapper than I am speaker
It's my voice as Fantoms' beats are booming out your speakers
Our souls screech like waxed floors do beneath your sneakers
Freak your EQ's let your feet do what feet do
Like Kasparov vs Deep Thought or Deep Blue
This is a 42 for those of you who seek truth
In chess moves, inkblots and novel plots
I feel you, distraught
Ever searching for an answer ever spurred on by a question
Ever stuck inside an idea, this one and then the next one
Never ever, ever after, ever changing, never static
Life dreamed up god inside and attic a void darker than the blackest magic
All mythology was born as a cipher for this action
Monolith or monomyth the obscure if not clear made obvious
Is all of this an odyssey or just an oddity that I exist
Do I need a psychiatrist or is that just a lie that sits
Burning on my tongue like an onion
Wishing I could cry by my own volition
Oh to be young again a shadow looms inside my vision
My animosity isn't Jungian and I'm not partial to prophecy
Life happens now hold somebodies hand if you're feeling me
This is easily as beautiful as we can be
This is for the terminally illiterate that intricate and cryptic shit
With a flick I lit a cigarette feeling so disinterested
With the thoughts inside my head
Passion, we're not asking just
Dancing, dancing, dancing past the monsters in the labyrinth
Laughing, see we're here to make the best of this
Drink in, life till there's nothing left of it
Passion, we're not asking just
Dancing, dancing, dancing past the monster in the labyrinth
Laughing, see we're here to make the best of it
Drink in life
A clan of rabid animals, poets, saints and vandals all
We rise and we fall dance steps in the bandits ball
Damn it all and bless it too blessed be the one who's you
Damage control, let's get glue, a life with holes is nothing new
We all got our share of problems, hang-ups and closets
Full of skeletons, fuck it and to hell with it, we got this
Heaven sent is the hell we live, it makes you stronger
Take dawn as your sword, living flesh as your armor
New callouses – it's a wonder to land
On your feet like Alice did, now you understand
Truth is a rubber band, stretch it too far and you break it
It can't cover you when naked but it's still the shape you make it
Backwards, all talk but can't back your words
Attack with words, like everything a competition
Every swings not made for hitting
Kids know this, how'd we forget it?
I believe in kings as far as I can move them
My conclusions not allusion
Greed and fear are both illusions
Making people fucking stupid
Jerking around with a puppets movement
Sick of the sound with nothing to it
A rerun of a rerun of a rerun
Makes me so fucking bored
Season, after season, gets old
Rip Van you can hear me snore
We can't outrun our shadows
We're in deep but acting shallow
War and peace are frames of mind
Breathing deep is half the battle
People beef and act like cattle
Don't see fangs just hear the rattle
Passion, we're not asking just
Dancing, dancing, dancing past the monsters in the labyrinth
Laughing, see we're here to make the best of this
We drink in life, till there's nothing left of it
Passion, we're not asking just
Dancing, dancing, dancing past the monsters in the labyrinth
Laughing, see we're here to make the best of this
We drink in life
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Adam Cedar Portland, Oregon
Rapper, Poet, PDX
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